Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
