Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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