I faked an abortion last night.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
