I want to make a zoo with you.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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