So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
