Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
