I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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