as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
