Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
