OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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