And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize