They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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