I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
