i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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