The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
