So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
