I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
