So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
