As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize