sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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