No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize