so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
