The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
