her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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