i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
