I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize