She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
