Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
