You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
