idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
