i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I skipped work to stalk him.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
