Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
