Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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