i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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