Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
