I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
