my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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