There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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