So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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