OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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