What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
