Where is the hickey?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
