In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
