I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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