Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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