Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize