so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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