How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
