Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
