god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
