he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
