i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
