so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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