My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
