I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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