Whod you bang
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
