I am spending my child support on dildos
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
