My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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