Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
