Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
COCAINE IS GR8
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
